And we have a NEW frontrunner for ‘Worst Client Call of the Year’
Me (at 4:45AM): “Huh? Wha? Hello?”
Him: “Yeah, uh, hello. Do you fix laptops?”
Me (Waking up to help a potential customer): “Yes, I do.”
Him (mildly slurred while trying to talk really fast): “That’s great, man! Look, here is the deal. I got this laptop I’m using. It’s not mine. It’s my girlfriend’s hot friend’s laptop. Anyway, we were messing around and you know. But now the thing won’t go to any websites right. It keeps going to the wrong website. Can you help me with this, before she finds out? Do me a solid, man and I’ll take care of you. I can’t let my girlfriend know I was with her friend instead of at work, last night.”
Me: “Damn man. That’s really messed up.” (This is when I decide my sleep is too valuable for this kind of crap to me.) “Look man, this is probably nothing more than a hijacked web browser issue.”
Him: “OK. What does that mean?”
Me: “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just start troubleshooting it. Do you get a lot of pop-ups on your screen along with the re-direct to sites you did not type in?”
Him: “Yeah, I do!”
Me: “OK. That’s not so bad, depending upon the cause. Now, were you using the camera on the laptop, while you were doing ‘the nasty’ with this girl?”
Him: “Yeah, man. We did.”
Me: “Damn. OK. That makes things worse, man. Live streaming or save and upload?”
Him: “Both”
Me: “Oh, man. Did you do a ‘performer’s contract’ before doing that? Both parties have to sign it, while sober or it can be all sorts of legal charges. ”
Him: “What does that mean?”
Me: “Nothing, yet. Let’s find out what is going on with the computer. Are all the pop-ups porn or somehow sex related? Pills to make you bigger, or to make her more interested?”
Him: “Yeah, they are.”
Me: “OK, now we are getting somewhere. Did either of you touch the computer while was it was live streaming and while you were … you know, recording the deed?”
Him: “Kind of”
Me: “Did you notice if you had any live viewers at the time?”
Him: “Yeah, a couple of hundred. Why does that matter?”
Me: “Oh, man. That’s not good. That’s not good, at all. Were you at least using protection om the computer?”
Him: “No, they don’t feel right on me. Too tight and small.”
Me: “Yeah, right. Not YOU, the COMPUTER! You touched it while a couple of hundred other people were connected to it, probably most all of them touching their computer at the same time. You MAY have gotten a DTSD. A Digitally Transmitted Sexual Disease. These are quite rare but can be permanently damaging. As in, that may be the last woman you are ever with in such a way.”
Him: “What? I can’t fu No, man. You are just being a dick.”
Me: “I was going to be, but then you told me you had all of those connections and you were not using any protection on the computer. That was like bringing those 100 people into your bed, at the same time, man. Someone’s anti-virus is not protecting their equipment from their touch and your firewall just let that thing right in. This is why they say barriers are the best sexual protection.”
Him: “Oh man. What do I do?”
Me: “Seriously, did she know you were streaming the session?”
Him: “No, man. I set it on the night stand and aimed the camera across the bed. I moved it when she was looking at the other wall and her ass was pointed at the computer.”
Me: “Ok. Either she’s down for this and she may be a carrier or she’s not and you violated a bunch of her civil liberties. The ACLU and FBI both have divisions dedicated to people like you. If she decides to press charges, you are going to have serious legal issues. If she does not, the FBI still can. And they will need you to remain unhealed as they trace back the source of the DTSD. I don’t know how they do it, but it is something about DNA tracking an IP Address.”
Him: “Man, is that for real?”
Me: “Yes, it is. I hate to read about how a man did something irresponsible and his junk fell off, like a week later. Look, you need to get out in front of this. Take this girl with you to the doctor. Two shots, each, the last time a client had to do this. Which was 4 or 5 years ago. One is to stop the spread of the disease. The other is to stop it from changing into something else. But you will always be positive for this. And you both will have to do full disclosure to any future partners.”
Him: “Man you are really scaring me! That sounds just like HIV!”
Me: “Yeah. It can be. A lot like that. But … well, do you use any computers for your work? Does she?”
Him: “Yeah. We both do. We work in a call center together.”
Me: “This full disclosure means you may both lose your jobs, too. Neither of you will be able to work with computers or where you may come into direct contact with people or any food stuffs people may consume.”
Him: “Can it be treated? I mean is there a way to avoid all of that? I’m in school, man, learning programming. App development for smart phones and the Internet of Things. What am I going to tell my parents? They are paying for it!”
Me: “OK. YOU need to get out in front of this. Go to the health department, THIS MORNING. Take the computer with you. Tell them you both need to be tested for DTSD’s. Make sure there is at least one SVU like detective there, too. They may not arrest you if you come at this clean and honestly. But you will have to come at it clean. You might want to have your girlfriend, there, too. You do it right, she might be supportive and understanding you made a simple mistake and now could be facing a life-altering illness because of it.”
Him: “Oh, man. she will kill me! We’ve been together for 4 years. I’ve cheated on her, before. I’m not sure she knows about it. But I get like $200 a month from these websites I share the videos on. Every couple of months I do another when the money starts to drop.”
Me: “Tell her, your lover from tonight and the police ALL of that. Ask her for forgiveness. This is the only way to save both your life and your relationship.”
Him: “Oh, man … this is going to suck.”
Me: “Well, that’s how to save both. You and the girl from tonight need to at least get checked out by a doctor and your most recent partners notified, by the health department. I’m guessing you at least want to prevent your junk from falling off.”
Him: “Man. How do I do this?”
Me: “By being a man and stepping up. Nothing will happen to her. If she is infected, too, she is just a carrier. DTSD’s really affect men, the most.”
Him: “OK, man.”
Me: “OK. Now just to let you know, I’m required to contact the Health Department within 24 hours. I’ve got your name and number from caller ID. A few minutes of digging and I will know your billing address.”
Him: “No, man! You can’t do that!”
Me: “But I’m required to.”
Him: “No, man! You don’t get it! My parents pay the bill!”
Me: “Then you need to get in front of this. First the women in your life at the health department. Then your family. It’s surprising how supporting a disappointed mother can be.”
He started crying so I quietly hung up the phone and went back to sleep until the alarm went off.