Having lunch, in an IHOP, waiting for a business colleague:
Ring! Ring!
Me: “I.T. Department, this is Daniel. How can I help you?”
Anonymous Caller: “Do you service computers?”
Me: “Yes, I do. How can I help you?”
AC: “I’m using my computer, today, but it is running REALLY slow. I think it has a virus on it. I need it, today. Can you fix it, tomorrow and get if back to first thing Thursday?”
Me: “Well, my business is …”
AC: “I can get it to you like … 4? Tomorrow afternoon?”
Me: “As I was saying, the business is closed, tomorrow for the holiday.”
AC: “Man, I NEED this fixed. It’s so slow, I can’t really use it. But I got to have it!”
Me: “OK. Who gave you my number?”
AC: “I found you online.”
Me: “I have plans for tomorrow. Beers, Brats, BBQ and a pool. Emergency rates will apply. And paid in cash or check when I return the machine on Thursday morning. If I am supposed to give up my holiday for you, then you must make it worth my while. I have people who will be upset with me not being there with them. And I need it by 10AM. Not 4 in the afternoon.”
AC: “Emergency Rates? How much is that?”
So I quote him an hourly rate that is very high but not absolutely unreasonable, as it is an emergency job on a weekend/holiday.
AC: “That’s robbery! Are you out of your (*&*^*%(*(&*(*&)#^*&^($*&%*&%^&$*%(*&)(& mind?”
Me: “Nope. Not at all. I’m a professional. I explained my business is closed tomorrow. You are not a referral from an existing client, so I’m not doing someone a favor by helping you. If I’m going to risk my girlfriend being upset with me for not spending the holiday with her and her family, then I must make enough at what ever work I’m doing to get her something nice as an apology. You know how that goes.”
AC: “Yeah. I do. OK. OK. I’ll pay it. But I can’t get you the laptop until 4, tomorrow. I’m working until then.”
Me: “Then I have to double the rate. Because she has tickets to some big fireworks show. If I get it at 10 and back to the office by 11, I can work on it all day and still make that, at least, even if i do miss the cookout and her at the pool. But I can not miss that show. Which means I will be working on your machine from 5 to dark. Then from midnight until I get done with it. And I may be late getting back to you by 9AM on Thursday.”
AC: “OK. I get it. I’ll call in the morning with when and where to meet up for it?”
Me: “OK. Sounds fine by me. See you then.”
AC: “By the way, This is a company machine. I don’t want my boss or my wife to know why it’s slow. I mean, I have an idea why and … you know how it is, right?”
Me: “I honestly do not care what you do with or on your PC. I am required, by law, to report certain things to the FBI. But that is only in very rare circumstances. Like kiddie porn. If I don’t report it, after finding it, and you get busted, then I get busted, too.
AC: “No, man. nothing like that. Can you refer me to someone who might be less expensive and working, tomorrow?”
Me: “Nope. I don’t do Craigslist referrals.”